OK, we’re going to do a top ten. A top ten list of the things you’re going to die from or not going to die from. Here are your odds so pony up your bets. Here we go. You have an infinitesimal, too small chance to calculate, chance of dying from a terrorist attack, OK? You can’t even calculate how slim the chances are. Stepping up to number two, or I guess number nine, is death in a shark attack. You have a one in 280,000,000 chance. Now, if you’re like me and you keep a pet shark in your tub, those increase. But normally you’re not going to run into a shark. Number seven. Death in an airplane crash. You have a one in 3,000,000 chance. So you could ride that mother 3,000,000 times and good chance you’ll make it every time.

Six. Death by lightning. Really? You have a one in 350,000 chance. I’m surprised by that. Death in a motor vehicle accident. No surprise here. You have a one in 7,000 chance. Food poisoning. Now we get interesting. So you’ve heard all these cataclysmic things, right? Even auto accidents. A one in 7,000 in a motor vehicle.

Food poisoning. You have a one in seven chance to die from food poisoning. One in seven. Because people shove so much crap in their face they don’t know what it is they’re…nevermind. Cardiovascular illness. OK? This is number four on the list. You have a one in four chance of dying of some sort of cardiovascular, probably because you don’t think twice about what you stuff in your face, and you’re not swimming with sharks. One in four.

Premature death related to obesity is a tie. You have a one in four chance of dying because you’re too lazy to quit eating crap and go out for a walk. I hope that makes you feel guilty because I want to save your life. What’s the matter with you? One in four. You have an equal amount of chance of heart disease.

Let’s get scary. Here comes number two: One in three of us are going to get cancer. You can directly draw a link to what you eat and inactivity to cancer. One in three of us are going to get cancer. My cameraman and I both have family members who have cancer. Everybody I know knows somebody who has cancer. Wise up, you guys, this is no joke. The last one is death as a result of smoking and smokers. You know why it’s a one in two chance? Because everything else underneath is what they do. They smoke cigarettes while they swim with sharks.

What do you expect? Backstroking…

Hey, cameraman. There you go. For a more complete list, mind your own business. I’ll talk to you later.